Last week, during our post session grounding, a new client told me he was taken aback by my evident delight in inflicting pain, and pleasantly surprised at the deviousness of my domination methods.
Fully aware of what’s coming, but prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt, I asked; ‘and why is that?’.
‘Well’, said the gent, obviously embarrassed, ‘no offence meant, but… when I realised that you are also a switch, I wasn’t sure how hard you can go’.
This is not the first time that I came across this misinformed assumption. In fact, I am well aware of the fact that there are some otherwise perfectly intelligent and delightful submissive man that wouldn’t see a mistress who can also bottom. I presume there are also tops who wouldn’t see a bottom who is also a mistress.
This curios phenomena, I might add, is thankfully NOT very common in the life style players scenes. Or at least not in the bent, informed, wild, responsible, and playful dives of ill repute and clusters of kink lovers that I find interesting enough to frequent.
I have privately dominated people who were surprised that I switch, but surprise isn’t the same as doubt or distrust. Is it?
I thinks it’s high time to address this silly misconception, nay, superstition, and set the record straight. Or more aptly, bent.
Peoples’ relationships to BDSM are wonderfully varied and individualised according to experience, partners, and circumstances. Some do spend their entire life as tops or bottoms. And, especially in a commercial setting, I can fully understand why many mistresses have no desire or inclination to ever bottom. Having said that, I personally believe that anyone engaging in serious BDSM should at least attempt to walk a few meters in their partner’s boots – or collar.
This is good practice. And it breeds better tops. And better bottoms.
I was initiated by an old fashioned Amsterdam mistress, who wouldn’t even conceive of the idea of a women being submissive to a man. As a young feminist, and someone with a strong and independent personality, this view powerfully resonated with me. However, even then I couldn’t fail to notice how part of the role my mentor took on, was that of a carer. She would torment her victims mercilessly, then make them sit down and eat a Sunday roast she cooked herself. So, in practice, she spend hours giving them attention and nourishment. In short, she was performing a far less liberated role; that of a traditional mother.
A year later, when I was first offered for a position in a reputable BDSM establishment in the colonies, I was informed that resident mistresses with less the 5 years professional experience will receive comprehensive training. Initially delighted by the professionalism of said establishment, I was then outraged to find out that, alongside excellent and thorough lessons in anatomy, psychology, safe play, the application of catheters, enemas, and speculum, instructions in bondage, flogging, paddling, caning, and other CP instruments,cross dressing, suspension, anal play and fisting, piercings, castration, CBT, nipple torture, and electro- play, the training also encompassed being on the RECEIVING end of most of those practices.
The proprietor of the establishment- an outstanding life-style mistress who opened her business after retiring from an academic career, was adamant that in order to know how to give it you must be prepared to receive it. Even at the most basic level. At least once.
She believed that having a first hand impression of how the pain, invasion, restraints, or sensory deprivation you are dishing out actually feels is crucial step in one’s path to becoming a truly accomplished dominatrix.
Once my haughty 20 years old self got over the shock, I found this an extremely sound approach to BDSM. I also quickly realised it transformed me from an amateur talented sadist into an excellent mistress.
Many of the most revered, cruel, strict and accomplished mistresses in that tropical metropolis were also the best and most hard core submissive. And the standard of experience a client – submissive or dominant – could expect there was extraordinarily hight.
At the time, I still defined my self purely as a top. My training taught me I could take an impressive amount of pain when applied by the someone knowledgeable, so I did occasionally bottom professionally. But while this gave me a dangerously useful insight into my subs head spaces and physical responses, I didn’t have the slightest urge to bottom in my private play.
But variety is indeed the spice of life. And much in the same way that my taste in films, literature, music, lovers and cuisine has evolved and transformed over the years, so did my play preferences. So, a few years ago, I decided I want to explore bottoming. And met someone whom I respected, desired, and trusted enough to try this out with.
I discovered the rush of endorphins and fear. A trove of new fantasy roles I derive great pleasure out of performing. And how much fun it is to be teased and fucked when in a receptive and ‘helpless’ state of mind.
After the novelty wore off, I also realised that I don’t find an utterly submissive head-space particularly fascinating. What really gets me going in this context, is, in fact, switch session. Scenarios were the power dynamics aren’t static. Where a variety of roles and plots twist around each other, to create true suspense and a delightfully charged power exchange.
This is not an egalitarian process. While as a switch I like to retain certain degree of naughtiness, haughtiness or a rebellious spirit.
As a Dom, I thoroughly enjoy crashing a bottom under the heel of my boots, pushing his boundaries and stripping him of his ego, senses, and indeed, grasp on reality. I like a victim who puts up a bit of a struggle, or is ‘forced’ or seduced into submission. But when push comes to shove, once they are down I will keep them crawling. As a Dom, the furthest thing from my mind is sitting on your cock.
Being a bottom makes me a magnificently devious mistress.
Being a Dom makes me a superb mischievous victim.
Being both makes me a gloriously versatile switch bitch.